Facing the Fear of Disconnection
📅Updated April 25, 2018 | By Ryan Hawks
Ryan completing the leap of faith.
Opening up and talking is extremely difficult. There’s a lot of challenging parts to recovery, but one of the most difficult is telling someone about it--which is why so many never do! We are afraid we will disappoint someone. We are afraid of burdening a loved one with a weight we should be able to lift on our own. Frankly speaking, there can be definite consequences to speaking up such as anger from others, loss of trust, and in some cases, losing someone altogether.
I don’t want to be insensitive to the difficulty facing you with opening up. In fact, let’s shine a big old spot light on it.
One of the greatest blessings of my career up to this point has been my work in developing a social skills program for young adults on the autism spectrum. It has allowed me to utilize my gifts of teaching, creativity, and love for individuals. It has taught me far more than anything I could have taught these amazing individuals.
When I first began teaching, I and other teachers would immediately jump in with teaching skills we felt these individuals needed. We’d focus on understanding body language, how to carry on conversations, and how to resolve conflict. Some students would jump right in, while others disengaged. The harder we pushed these students, the more they would disengage or push back defiantly disinterested in what we had to say.
There was one particular day when we took the students to a ropes course with the intent to discuss non-verbal language by using several silent activities. In these activities, students had to complete various tasks communicating only non-verbally. At the very end of our time at the course, the students had the opportunity to complete one high ropes element. In this activity, students were expected to climb to the top of a 25-foot wooden pole, stand on top of it, and attempt to jump to a ring several feet away. Most of the students bravely completed this activity receiving plenty of encouragement from their peers.
Before leaving, I asked the students what they had learned through their experiences, anticipating the focus to be on the importance of non-verbal body language in communicating with others. Instead, each student focused on climbing the pole, and jumping for the ring as a symbol of facing ones social fears. Their answers were eye-opening to me as I realized too often we as teachers jumped right into teaching skills, when many of these students held deep social fears which impacted their desire and subsequent ability to interact with others. Many had faced years of rejection and abandonment because of their disability.
The more I learned about them, the more I was taught of the importance of connection to other humans and that the deepest fear most of us have is not connecting. We are afraid of others turning away from us and leaving us alone. That’s why shame is such a crippling emotion. It tells us we are not worthy of love because of our flaws. It says because of the mistakes we have made, no one wants us.
Unfortunately, this fear may have been deeply reinforced over the years for you as it has been for my social skills students. They tried to reach out to others but found closed doors. I’ve worked with individuals who have struggled for years with pornography addiction, and sought help along the way only to have others respond with criticism, shame, and even repulsion.
So, with this fear of shame looming, how do we possibly open up?
I don’t want to be insensitive to the difficulty facing you with opening up. In fact, let’s shine a big old spot light on it.
One of the greatest blessings of my career up to this point has been my work in developing a social skills program for young adults on the autism spectrum. It has allowed me to utilize my gifts of teaching, creativity, and love for individuals. It has taught me far more than anything I could have taught these amazing individuals.
When I first began teaching, I and other teachers would immediately jump in with teaching skills we felt these individuals needed. We’d focus on understanding body language, how to carry on conversations, and how to resolve conflict. Some students would jump right in, while others disengaged. The harder we pushed these students, the more they would disengage or push back defiantly disinterested in what we had to say.
There was one particular day when we took the students to a ropes course with the intent to discuss non-verbal language by using several silent activities. In these activities, students had to complete various tasks communicating only non-verbally. At the very end of our time at the course, the students had the opportunity to complete one high ropes element. In this activity, students were expected to climb to the top of a 25-foot wooden pole, stand on top of it, and attempt to jump to a ring several feet away. Most of the students bravely completed this activity receiving plenty of encouragement from their peers.
Before leaving, I asked the students what they had learned through their experiences, anticipating the focus to be on the importance of non-verbal body language in communicating with others. Instead, each student focused on climbing the pole, and jumping for the ring as a symbol of facing ones social fears. Their answers were eye-opening to me as I realized too often we as teachers jumped right into teaching skills, when many of these students held deep social fears which impacted their desire and subsequent ability to interact with others. Many had faced years of rejection and abandonment because of their disability.
The more I learned about them, the more I was taught of the importance of connection to other humans and that the deepest fear most of us have is not connecting. We are afraid of others turning away from us and leaving us alone. That’s why shame is such a crippling emotion. It tells us we are not worthy of love because of our flaws. It says because of the mistakes we have made, no one wants us.
Unfortunately, this fear may have been deeply reinforced over the years for you as it has been for my social skills students. They tried to reach out to others but found closed doors. I’ve worked with individuals who have struggled for years with pornography addiction, and sought help along the way only to have others respond with criticism, shame, and even repulsion.
So, with this fear of shame looming, how do we possibly open up?
I believe this is where the importance of a perspective of who God is makes all the difference. There is a reason the lyrics to the child’s hymn, I am a Child of God are so powerful and much needed in the world today. They remind us that we are posterity of the greatest being in the universe. He does not reject us nor will He ever. He accepts us, loves us, and wants the best for us flaws and all. Spencer W. Kimball stated,
"God is your Father. He loves you. He and your mother in heaven value you beyond any measure. … You are unique. One of a kind, made of the eternal intelligence which gives you claim upon eternal life."
Let there be no question in your mind about your value as an individual. The whole intent of the gospel plan is to provide an opportunity for each of you to reach your fullest potential, which is eternal progression and the possibility of godhood.
In this journey of recovery, a pivotal step toward healing is recognizing your value and worth has never changed. What you have seen doesn’t change it. What you have done doesn’t change it. There is nothing you could do that could change the love God feels for you.
I remember at one low point in my recovery, I listened to a song I had heard many times before, but this time it took on special meaning:
So how can you see what your life is worth, Or where your value lies?
You can never see through the eyes of man, You must look at your life
Look at your life through Heaven’s eyes.
I realized in that moment I was looking at myself through the eyes of man. But if I saw my worth through the eyes of a loving Heavenly Father, I had infinite value. He did not focus on my battle wounds. Rather, He had the perspective that “all these things shall give [me] experience and shall be for [my] good.” Of course, the nature of His love, while loving us for who we are, is greater than that. It is a transformative love that says, “I love you for who you are. Now let me help you become the greatness I’ve designed you for.”
The first step in reaching out to others is establishing that love as your anchor. As much as we want the love of others, we must start with reliance on the One whose love doesn’t change. Coming from this place of inherent worth, it still hurts when others reject us for our flaws. Opening up and telling your story feels extremely vulnerable. Dr. Adam Moore points out that this is what it must have been what it was like for Adam and Eve to come out from hiding when they learned they were naked. They feared what God would do. But what they didn’t realize is that He had always seen their nakedness--and He loved them anyway! Coming into the light was a vulnerable thing, but it was only by coming out from hiding that they could get the help they needed to progress.
As students jumped from the 25-foot pole toward the ring, they did so in a full-body harness attached to a secure anchored rope. This ensured that they would not plummet to the ground if they did not make the ring, but could instead be lowered safely and slowly to the ground.
In the same way, as you take the terrifying leap to open up to others, you may not make the connection you hope for. But relying on the secure harness of the love of God and the anchored support of a caring Savior, you have the constant connection of a Heavenly love which will never go away.
Did This Help you?
If so, please consider contributing on Patron to help me create additional content.
If there's something you feel I should add, please shoot me an email.
If there's something you feel I should add, please shoot me an email.